Sometimes I feel like I'm trying too hard. Sometimes I feel what I do is not enough.
I miss him.
The window's open, because it's like 30C inside my apartment even with the AC on. Just heard the sound of breaking glass from outside. There's like 4 parking lots nearby... and downstairs neighbors have had... issues. Like, 1-2 months ago this dude started wailing, screaming, howling, whatever you wanna call it, and tried to break in to the apartment right below mine. I sleep with a knife next to my bed, sometimes when I go outside for a walk, even though carrying weapons is illegal in Finland just as is pepper spray (yep, you need an expensive permit for that which you need to renew every couple or few years or so). One of my neighbors, whenever he spots me, keeps following me around. So that's why. I'm always nervous to keep the window open, even though there's a lock system to it so it can't be forced open at ease, but holy hell it's so hot in here.
I guess I'm at that phase again where I sleep through the days and stay awake the nights. Amazing.
I don't miss him, yet I do. I just... want to go back to how things were, turn back the time even just by 12 months. Better yet, 9 years...
I need to visit the city library today, so I might just... stay awake until the first buses go, and just go drop the book in and then come home to sleep. My brother should come over this weekend, but that is ONLY if he can come by his own car, which is questionable considering it's in need of some repairs.
Sometimes I wish I could erase every single memory of him. His face. His hands. His smile, eyes. His voice. I know memories are what make us who we are. I don't want to forget the things that happened, just ... him. I'm sorry, dear, but I can't stand remembering you, it hurts too much. The knowledge of your existence just -- it's too much.
The hell is wrong with me. I haven't had these thoughts in weeks. How pathetic.
Ahh. There's a bus leaving at 5:05am, so... in about 20 minutes. Guess I'll get properly dressed and get going. Sorry for the sap. I'd promised myself not to write on these topics, not on here, but... guess I'm good at breaking promises to myself. Yep.