zeitgeistzest FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

from Finland

  • Activity

    • Small Steps Forward

      1 week ago

      zeitgeistzest ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

      So for those who don't know me all that well, I have always regarded asking for help as a sign of weakness. Crying in public places or in front of friends and family - despicable. Definitely didn't help that ex would always complain about me crying (even if there was a reason), and in general he despised people who would thus show their emotions. 

      Over the years, I've always managed to pretend I'm fine. Over the past 12 months, people have tried commenting on my selfies that it's good to see me smile - at which I've laughed like MWAHAHAHAHA YOU FOOL. Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm fine. ...fool

      Those who have chatted with me on Discord or seen me around social media have probably noticed how irregular life has been for me. There's a reason why I have been nicknamed vampire, lol....

      Anyways, a month ago I acknowledged there were some 'anniversaries' coming up, and reached out to the student health care center (from here on referred to by its Finnish acronym, YTHS). As I called them, I was so close to hanging up, but managed to say I could do meeting with a nurse about mental health stuff and health in general. 

      So today I met with a nurse. As I was heading there, I was planning to do what I usually do and pretend that I am fine. But IDK if it's PMS or that I have become accustomed by now to just BLURT THINGS OUT because there's nobody to reprimand me for it anymore, the moment she inquired why I felt like I could do with the talk... well, I just started talking.

      In 4 weeks I'm going back there. She said it's important we meet regularly this spring. (Some 'anniversaries' ahead, the ugly first ones.) She also suggested I start with small lifestyle changes, so I'm going to take up daily yoga agan and also make better attempts at fixing my sleeping pattern - no more full-time vampire! (Which means US folk will probably see me a bit less.) 

      The nurse also said it's impressive how well I can reason about everything that has happened, but was also quite concerned of how ... errrr low my self-esteem has become (although there's been some improvements in the autumn). She also expressed worry about my mindset that promises made to me, by others or myself, have zero meaning whatsoever - which is why lifestyle changes have been so difficult, because "who the heck cares", right. 

      Finally, as I was leaving, she said it's really good I reached out. 

      It took me a lot of strength to reach out, to admit that I can't handle this all by myself. To think that it's ok to be a little weak at times and let it show.


      Even if it means that your cheeks are tear-stained when you're walking to the bus stop.

    • Looking Back at You, 2017

      2 weeks ago

      zeitgeistzest ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

      Well it's December 31 here, so I figured I'd make a post like this now before I get sucked into the world of Fallout 4.

      2017 was a year of endings... But also new beginnings and self-growth. First and foremost, a huge thanks to all those who have remained in my life through all of the turmoil, and to all the new people who have entered, and for all the support and concern you've shown. <3

      Now, since 2017 was kinda depressing... Here's some of the best things to happen:

      - discovering RvB and other RoosterTeeth content and therefore the amazing people over at the RT Community, particularly those on the main site forums~ <3 RvB got me laughing when nothing else could!
      - ear piercings (although still in the healing process..)
      - discovering what I want to do with my life (still figuring out the path[s] to get there)

      - meeting new, amazing people in the real life as well (the extracurriculum projects, Conference Assistant.. going out to cafes and movies..) and forming new friendships (often through trying out new things)

      - the Conference Assistant experience (was so great it deserves its own spot)
      - discovering there are great games other than Final Fantasy... Like Warframe and Halo!
      - discovering the forest paths nearby~
      - realizing I am capable of more than I have thought possible
      - cutting off some really toxic people from my life (which took me long & it was hard but I did it)
      - doing translations for the Student Union & receiving payment for it~

      There's probably a lot I'm forgetting right now, but yeah! 2017 started out in pain and hopelessness, but ends with excitement & hope! How's that. :) 

      I have yet to write out my 2018 goals, but self-improvement and -regulation are going to play major part in those!

      Three already came into my mind:

      * Practice being more assertive and less of a doormat in social situations.

      * Lifestyle changes (sleeping pattern, for one..)

      * Do more creative stuff.

      But tonight I'll be hanging around on Discord while trying to figure out FO4, pop up by the RT Radio Chat, and eat and drink and have fun! <3 :) 

      May you all have a wonderful, amazing, fantastic 2018! Hyvää uutta vuotta kaikille! 。^‿^。



    • Back to It

      2 weeks ago

      zeitgeistzest ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

      Yep. Back at home.

    • Yet Another Post - MA Thesis Dilemma

      3 weeks ago

      zeitgeistzest ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

      Yes, yes... so many posts from me lately.

      Been struggling with my MA Thesis topic... I still want to do it (word formation and use of emoticons in chatrooms and forums, focusing merely on statistics and not contexts), but asking for permissions makes me nervous so I'm thinking about changing the topic altogether to something language & gaming related... but what could I 'research', then?

      Blehh... Something to think about before the spring semester starts, I

    • Christmas Things

      3 weeks ago

      zeitgeistzest ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

      *at Christmas food table*
      Uncle: Gran must be thinking, God I thought this would end when they grew up! [referring to himself & my mom]
      Brother: Yeah, & now there's 2 more of them! [referring to himself & me]

      Uncle: She's thinking about how to get rid of us.
      Brother: She's gifted us with food poisoning!
      Mom: Wouldn't that just make us stay longer?
      Gran, mutters quietly: How do you know I haven't?


      What I got:

      - a new silver ring from mom;

      - 40€ and a pair of mittens from gran;

      - a concealer cream for dark circles under the eyes, from mom;

      - Fallout 4 from brother~~


      I need to visit my cousin in Helsinki this week, but after that I'll most likely flee back home to be alone for a few days before the new, busier semester begins. I need that quite badly.

      How's your Christmas / holidays been? <3 Hopefully well!

    • https

      3 weeks ago

      zeitgeistzest ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

      Anybody else have issues with HTTPS on this site? I don't remember how it was looking last time I logged on here, but... there's no green lock next to the address. D; 

    • Merry Christmas!

      3 weeks ago

      zeitgeistzest ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

      Again, Merry Christmas! 

      It's 24th & gran is fussing about.. I escaped onto the bed after she turned her hearing aid off again when I suggested I could vacuum the floors. (She did that at my place when she started cleaning there..) 

      It's sunny & not too cold outside. I might go for a walk after we get some last minute food shoppings done. :) 

      I slept like crap last night, though, so a nap is in order I think. X_x 

      Have a good holidays, Christmas or whatever it is you might celebrate. <3

      Oh oh, btw - to whomever has sent me a card for the RT card exchange! We've had some issues with the postal services in my area, & since the card hadn't arrived before I left... Well, I won't be back home until like January 2. ^^;;

    • A Few Words..

      3 weeks ago

      zeitgeistzest ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

      Today was a pretty good day after all. Better than I'd feared.

      I couldn't sleep too well, and right after waking up I had a long, hot bath, cleaned the guest room, then watched some RvB and slept for a couple more hours before heading downtown to see a girl friend I've not seen in about 7 years. We sat around a couple of cafes, talking, until she had to go to meet with her mom. It was awesome talking with her, it was like we'd just met yesterday at school, heh. <3 (We first met during a study programme I got into here.)

      Waiting for the bus, I stopped by at a store to pick up some chocolate and Mt Dew. There was a drunken couple after me at the check-out queue, and the man said: "Pätkistä ja kolamehua. Suklaa on seksin korvike." (Pätkis [a type of chocolate] and Cola-juice. Chocolate is a replacement to sex.)

      Now I usually get annoyed by whatever comments drunkards make, but that just made me want to laugh out loud and turn to him to say, "Damn right it is." But I just smiled to myself, paid my stuffs, and left.

      I'm feeling tired. There are times when I want to give in to the tears, because there's a lingering sadness of things - a sense of finality - but I also feel content, and it's... a weird, torn feeling, y'know? Anyways, I hope I have the energy to do today's yoga and workout, but I just might take a complete rest day today and pick up with it tomorrow. Go to sleep actually early. Listen to music. Watch more RvB. 

      Anyways, it's a bit early but - hyvää joulua! <3 I'll be around~~

    • Zeit Tries to Date, part 5

      3 weeks ago

      zeitgeistzest ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

      SOOOO. Some of you have already heard the recent news from last weekend... I was hesitant to post anything because well, uh... and I've been kinda busy trying to live a normal human life at normal human daylight hours, as well as trying to think of Dec 23 as just another day of December.

      But the memories of the last engagement anniversary are strong. Every year since 2010, he'd take me out to eat and the movies. Last year we went to eat as well, but when the girl behind the counter - whom he was familiar with via work stuffs - asked him (never looking at me once btw) what he was doing downtown, he replied "Oh just some late Christmas shopping."


      Naturally I got upset about it, and didn't feel like eating. We had a verbal fight at my place before heading out to spend the Christmas at his family, which also turned into a nightmare as I managed to get sick and we had to chase after his aunt's foster kid as the bastard ran off yet again, and since he wasn't sober, well, guess who had to drive.

      Anyways, tomorrow - Dec 23 - I'm going out with a girl friend I have not seen in about 7 years, we'll have some coffee and catch up and I'll hopefully not break into tears anywhere public pls. 

      And then, last weekend. Before I go on - I have a tendency to be pretty open about myself in public places like journals like this. I've learned over the years what kind of things to keep to myself, though, and I won't go into much details and won't mention names etc.

      After meeting dude number 2 the weekend before, he started messaging me more and it kinda annoyed me. When he asked me out again to the movies, I got the feeling he'd want to drop me off home and I decided I'd come home alone. He kept saying he could drop me off, no biggie, but I said I can take the bus thank you. He did come pick me up from the nearby store, which was nice of him. He handed me a gift, which I guessed to be chocolate.

      All went fine, we watched the new movie adaptation of Unknown Soldier and I thought it was pretty cool. We headed out and he again said he could drop me off - but the store was closed and I got the feeling I just didn't want to be in his car and all.

      He saw me to the bus stop, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and I didn't pull away even though it sort of felt a little uncomfortable, but not too bad if that makes sense. We talked for a bit while waiting for the bus, and a few minutes before the bus got there he kissed me on the mouth, pretty much while I was in mid-sentence talking about whatever. Now, the kiss didn't feel bad... but it didn't feel great either. Y'know. And it was in a public place so I didn't want to make a scene out of it by telling him right there and then I am not after a relationship... which, I thought I had stated on my dating app profile (but who believes the word of a woman anyway, right, especially on such things and women and guys as friends, tf is such a concept). 

      After I got home, I spent a restless night playing games and ranting on Discord, I called mom a couple of times and talked to my cousin as well, and opened the gift and discovered he'd also given me a gift card to the store chain that's close to me and thus frequent often. Now, as far as I know those damn cards can have anything from 10€ to 100€, and I just... exploded. 

      Well, I then sent him a message apologizing for not having been clearer before about MY intentions, saying clearly we were after something totally else, and ... well, blocked him. He hasn't tried contacting me anywhere since. 

      Had a few hours of sleep then went to see Star Wars with another fella, the one I had seen first. Duderino number uno. We had a good time, we were both a bit more relaxed - I'm guessing he's sensing I'm not up for much more, not at this point, and not expecting much from me since earlier tonight he just mentioned how awkward it is to browse Tinder back in his hometown, as he's visiting his family (dude if I went back to my old hometown, I'd hide the damn profile lmao). But he's also sent me pictures of dogs, and let me know when he was leaving the town and when he arrived to his hometown, and let me know when he got out of work for the vacation time. It's just what I've been looking for with a Finnish dude: hanging around, messaging silly things and details of a daily life, ...

      I let him drive me back to the store (he also picked me up, even though I insisted I come by bus - I had to switch buses though to pick up a book, so he said he'd come pick me up from the post office there). It was kinda slippery / icy, and the back of his car made this swerve - he controlled it pretty well, and I made this excited stupid noise so on the empty parking lot of the store he did a little handbrake trick. xD It was fun. :P 

      Since coming to gran's town, I've also been browsing the local... err... supply and demand <.<;;; and have had a few conversations this week but most have died out pretty quickly. Still talking to dude nro 3 from back JKL, as well. Nice and chill! :D

      So anyways, that's about the news from my dating life. XD The Zeit dating sim has earned some experience points, yeah... lol.

    • Listen, gran... 2

      3 weeks ago

      zeitgeistzest ψ(`∇´)ψJRev/solutionZeit

      [note: I used to live here for about 8 months when I was studying at a local school for an English language & lit programme]

      me, in my head when my half-deaf gran is complaining loudly about her alcoholic neighbors: Perhaps I should tell her that I left the guest room window open for some fresh air...

      me, when gran kept on listing names of people that are apparently her neighbors: Dude, I don't know who these people are.

      gran: Well surely you remember! 

      me: No.

      gran: Well you must've seen them around when you were here, when was that again.

      me: Gran, that was 7 years ago so no I can't remember, and besides, I barely pay attention to my OWN neighbors, let alone yours. 

      gran: *starts digging around for an obituary of a neighbor, then another neighbor's, all the while speaking about people I apparently should know about*

      me: *admits quiet defeat and noms on Cheerios granola in silence*

      gran: Here!

      me, shaking my head and thinking: Jesus Buddha Satan, I still don't know who the fuck are Retsi or Markku but now I know where to look for their obituaries in her kitchen. 

      Also half the time when I talk to her I start questioning if her hearing aid is on or completely taken off, as it feels like we're having totally different conversations.

      Still, <3

  • About Me

    Laura / zeit / ZGZ, also Lil' Vampire, Countess Zeitula, Zesty the Besty (Val's nickname for me haha), and Usabankathi (a nickname I got because of my first ever profile pic haha) -- whatever you wanna call me I'll probably be fine with it. I go by zeitgeistzest on DeviantArt, Discord, Mixer, Sarahah, Steam, Tumblr, Twitter, and Xbox; zeitgeistzest__ on Instagram, and Zeit Geistzest on YouTube. 

    I'm quite socially awkward, so I might appear cold and rude at first (in real life). I either speak very little, or way too much.

    My many interests include video games, literature (both reading and writing), photography, yoga, translation, linguistics (especially word formation and how meanings get communicated via different media), taking walks in the forest, sitting by the lakeside, driving a car (currently don't have my own), listening to music... uhhh... I also sometimes doodle and crochet, and dabble with stuff on GIMP. 

    Final Fantasy III to XV (excluding XI and XIV but including Dirge of Cerberus and A King's Tale), Halo, Warframe, Bioshock Infinite, Dragon Age series, Forza Horizon, Metro 2033 Redux and Last Light Redux, Watch Dogs, Spyro the Dragon, Deus Ex - Human Revolution, Stardew Valley; I also have the following games, untouched so far: Doom, Destiny 1,Skyrim and Minecraft Story Mode.

    Some of my fav shows and book / manga series: Fullmetal Alchemist, Red vs Blue, Day 5, RTAA, House, Helix, Black Mirror, NCIS, Revelation Space, The Wheel of Time, Chronicles of Shannara, Discworld, Inside Out (by L. R. Jones), ...

    +Cats and dogs and seals are cute. C:

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