So for those who don't know me all that well, I have always regarded asking for help as a sign of weakness. Crying in public places or in front of friends and family - despicable.
Definitely didn't help that ex would always complain about me crying (even if there was a reason), and in general he despised people who would thus show their emotions.
Over the years, I've always managed to pretend I'm fine. Over the past 12 months, people have tried commenting on my selfies that it's good to see me smile - at which I've laughed like MWAHAHAHAHA YOU FOOL. Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm fine. ...fool.
Those who have chatted with me on Discord or seen me around social media have probably noticed how irregular life has been for me. There's a reason why I have been nicknamed vampire, lol....
Anyways, a month ago I acknowledged there were some 'anniversaries' coming up, and reached out to the student health care center (from here on referred to by its Finnish acronym, YTHS). As I called them, I was so close to hanging up, but managed to say I could do meeting with a nurse about mental health stuff and health in general.
So today I met with a nurse. As I was heading there, I was planning to do what I usually do and pretend that I am fine. But IDK if it's PMS or that I have become accustomed by now to just BLURT THINGS OUT because there's nobody to reprimand me for it anymore, the moment she inquired why I felt like I could do with the talk... well, I just started talking.
In 4 weeks I'm going back there. She said it's important we meet regularly this spring. (Some 'anniversaries' ahead, the ugly first ones.) She also suggested I start with small lifestyle changes, so I'm going to take up daily yoga agan and also make better attempts at fixing my sleeping pattern - no more full-time vampire! (Which means US folk will probably see me a bit less.)
The nurse also said it's impressive how well I can reason about everything that has happened, but was also quite concerned of how ... errrr low my self-esteem has become (although there's been some improvements in the autumn). She also expressed worry about my mindset that promises made to me, by others or myself, have zero meaning whatsoever - which is why lifestyle changes have been so difficult, because "who the heck cares", right.
Finally, as I was leaving, she said it's really good I reached out.
It took me a lot of strength to reach out, to admit that I can't handle this all by myself. To think that it's ok to be a little weak at times and let it show.
Even if it means that your cheeks are tear-stained when you're walking to the bus stop.