I don't even know where to begin with this
11 months agocrofteria
Playboy Bunny D.Va and casual Pharah!
I am yet to wear my Junkrat cosplay. Shame on me. I spent so much time on that one (it was the first OW cosplay I made, between the open beta and the actual release, and I even have the god damn riptire ready to roll).
1 year agocrofteria
Time to pour my heart out... to a certain extent. I'm gonna make this long story somewhat short (shorter than it really is, at least); you don't need to know all the details (and a few things I'm uncomfortable sharing), but here's a negative update among all my positive ones this year.
The first week of the year was okay, like the calm before the storm that was this year, maybe. I was looking forward to 2016, set on making it the best year thus far (as I always do), until my partner at the time cheated on me. Now, there are many layers to this, but that is the short and concise description of what happened.
After this, I was obviously devastated. I've been dealing with severe trust issues all my life due to previous events, and these got a lot worse when I thought it wasn't even possible, as dramatic as that sounds. I refused to leave my room for a week and my sleeping and eating habits went down the crapper for a good while. This, on top of my depression getting worse during winter times, along with all the anxiety issues caused by studying to become something I didn't wanna become, was too much to bear at once. Panic attacks that I didn't have often at all became an almost daily thing, I shut myself in and kept things bottled up. Only drinking and smoking at occasional parties turned into me drinking and smoking every other day, as self-destructive behavior was the only way for me to deal with everything because I didn't see a point anymore, but I was too scared to take the final step further. Things straight up sucked for a while.
Then, when I managed to gain the courage to get help for my depression, things looked up for a while. I was prescribed pills, I got to talk to a therapist, she helped me take the step of quitting the teacher program I had felt so out of place in for two years; I started feeling happier. Things got better.
A few months later, I met this wonderful guy. It was extremely scary at first thanks to my trust issues, but I decided to talk to him about that, and he understood. He promised he would never do anything to cause my trust issues to dip lower, he knew about the situation and said he wouldn't hurt me. He was sweet, extremely easy to talk to, an interesting person to get to know, and I felt so privileged to have this person in my life. I started trusting him, bit by bit.
Things were still complicated, however. I didn't feel ready for a relationship, and neither did he due to a break-up not long before we met. A few months passed and I eventually felt ready, but he didn't, which was completely understandable to me. We stayed in a limbo for a few more months until I decided I couldn't deal with that any longer - either we were something, or we were not.
Flash-forward to this past weekend at Comic Con, where he was working. A few weeks before that, we had decided that we would forget about the thing we had going between us, and we had not spoken since (we wanted to give each other some space). Due to all of our mutual friends, however, we couldn't ignore each other during the con, and we ended up talking. We had a deep conversation during a party which ended in a few tears, but a lot of relief and also a friendship.
But that didn't last long. About two months prior, I had spoken to his best friend (who is a close friend of mine) about the situation. He told me that he thought that this guy was still dating his ex-girlfriend, since he had not told anyone otherwise. I knew that he wasn't very open about such things and decided to talk to him about it, in which he explained that they were definitely not dating anymore and they never would again - it was just a case of him not telling people about it. It sounded logical to me, considering he's always been very quiet about such things, and all our mutual friends had said that that's just how he is. Despite all my trust issues, I decided I could believe him. It had been half a year of him being there for me, after all.
Then, during the last day of Comic Con, I found out that he really was still dating his "ex", and what I hate most about this is the fact that I would never have found out, had I not walked in on them. So everything I had gone through the past six months, all the happiness, all the hope and all my trust that had been building itself up bit by bit - it was all gone once again, in the literal blink of an eye. Puzzle pieces fell into place and I came to realize I had lived a lie ever since the moment we met.
This naturally made me feel like shit. Truth be told, I still feel absolutely terrible; finding out you've wasted so much time and effort on a manipulative sociopath is not nice. But most of all, I'm furious. I'm sad and hurt beyond belief, of course, but I don't think I've ever despised a person so much before, it's quite overwhelming. It may sound melodramatic, but this person meant extremely much to me and helped me in so many ways. But hey, not that it matters now. At least I can find solace in the fact that I will help karma bite his asscheeks off.
On top of this, another thing happened this week that I am not comfortable talking about (family-related issues), but which has also taken its toll on me. In addition, we started a new course at uni a few weeks ago which is taking up a lot of time due to it being so complicated, and the timing is actually the worst since I've lost all my abilities to concentrate right now.
Oh, and Trump won, which is the icing on this shitty cake that is my life.
Despite all this happening, and despite all of it happening at once, I refuse to shut myself in again. I refuse to go back to the bad place I found myself in at the beginning of the year. Yes, things absolutely fucking suck and my panic attacks are returning, but I refuse to let this ruin me. Despite all this shit happening, I've gotten so far and I will not give up due to shit people abusing the little trust I have left.
Truthfully, had it not been for all the support I got during the Comic Con party I mentioned earlier, I wouldn't have been nearly as okay. People knew what was happening at the time, they told me to come find them if I ever needed them, they bought me drinks and showered me with hugs and friendly kisses. When they saw that I cried during the conversation I had with this guy, they walked up to me to make sure that I was okay, despite him sitting there (perhaps they were too drunk to care, or perhaps they cared too much to let it slide).
Which is why I'm writing this down on here. I want you to know that I appreciate your friendship and support so, so, so incredibly much. When things are shit, I always know I can turn to my true friends, and I know you are among them. No matter how little trust there is left in me, I know I can always confide in you and I know you will always be there for me. This community means a lot to me and I want you to know that.
Thank you. <3
1 year agocrofteria
Really. It's been two months since I moved. Gotta get ya something. Bullet pointing this shit as usual since it's easier.
- Why I've been away: Aside from the whole settling in part of it all, I'm stuck with pretty shitty mobile internet since the house I live in is getting fiber, but it's gonna take a while for the company to actually turn it on, so I'm gonna have to deal for a little while longer. I've been thinking of taking up streaming when that happens though - should I? Would that be an interesting thing to watch? Anyway, that explains why I've been pretty MIA this past while. I'm gonna try to get better on that front despite my internet connection (I mean, if I can play Overwatch with only the occasional lag, this is fine.)
- Moving and studies: The game writing program is super interesting, the teachers are thus far neaterino, and so are my classmates (who I hang out with quite a bit now that my internet sucks - they won't see much of me when it's back, I reckon). My apartment is super cozy and so is this city. I'm definitely satisfied.
- Events: I'm pretty busy nowadays! (Why do all events have to happen around the same time?) Two weeks ago I was judging the cosplay competition at Sweden Game, which was really interesting and a lot of fun. Last week, I went to see twenty one pilots live, and oh my god I haven't cried that much in a long time. It was absolutely magical and words can't describe how over the moon I was (and still sort of am). This weekend it's time for Comic Con Stockholm, and the week after that there's a cosplay event here in my city, and two weeks after that it's DreamHack Winter. Phew. No rest for the nerdy.
I hope you're all taking care of yourselves, and of course that you're having a neat Halloween! How have you been lately? I wanna knoooow. It's been a while.
1 year agocrofteria
Fun stuff ahead!
I hope you're all doing great and that you're doing stuff that makes you happy. I know I am. <3
1 year agocrofteria
As some of you may already know.
I was part of the middle act for the Nordic Cosplay Championship, which is broadcasted live in five countries (and also streamed worldwide).
If you want to see it, someone uploaded it to Youtube Edit: The YT video is apparently restricted, but you can watch it here at 1:41:50!
It's a shame the camera angles aren't the best at times (it's really better to see the whole stage at all times so you don't miss anything, which is something I hope they'll improve until next time), and that the audio doesn't do the audience justice - everyone's reactions, especially to my group's part (which is Pirates of the Caribbean by the way, but I'd still advise you to watch the entire middle act), still gives me goosebumps whenever I so much as think about it.
This is definitely one of the most amazing things I've had the honor of working with, and if I ever get the chance to do such a thing again, I won't hesitate for a second.
NärCon in general was great; even though we were busy backstage most of the time, I had lots of fun. The whole middle act crew consisted of a bunch of lovely people and I really enjoyed bringing this idea to life together with them. I also went out partying with a group of people (that mainly consisted of Norwegian cosplayers and photographers) two nights in a row which was hella neat - the pub we went to the second night gave us sooo many free rounds and kept the pub open two hours past closing time just for us. Da real MVPs.
I had a few photoshoots with my cosplays but it might take a while until I get the pictures back from the photographers, so I'll wait a while until I've gotten a few and then upload them here. Stay tuned and stay frosty! <3
1 year agocrofteria
What a vague title. Anyway - I was interviewed by a Swedish newspaper a little while ago (regarding cosplay and that it doesn't equal consent), and ended up on the front page of the three newspapers they publish with my fem!Neptune cosplay.
The Stockholm version is my favorite.
It's in Swedish, I'm afraid, but the full article can be found here!
1 year agocrofteria
Summary: 'Twas pretty dang neat.
A friend of mine got me a pass (exhibitor's pass, even, which gave me access to the lounge full of free drinks and snacks and wonderful sofas) and even though I was only planning on attending Sunday, I got this sudden cosplay hype and went yesterday as well. I got to meet and hang out with lovely people (including but not limited to cosplay friends, my buddies at Starbreeze Studios, and Martin Wong), and as usual, the people made the event worthwhile. I also really appreciated people's reactions to my Bloody Mary cosplay - no other time would I love seeing people look at me with either fright or disgust (or both) nor receive comments such as "holy SHIT you look dead".
The name's Pauline, the nickname's Stiles. E3 is my favorite holiday. I enjoy voicing fictional characters and also dressing up as them.
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