Today I slapped someone in the face with a sandwich.
To add some more context, right as I was finishing up a bit of cooking before clocking out since my shift was over, a tall native guy in a hoodie with his phone loudly playing music walked out of the store with a load of stuff in his arms and even grabbed a box of cookies (that I had just made overnight) on his way out. My coworker was helping someone at the counter at the time, and I kinda figured this would happen just from the way the guy looked and was acting, so as soon as he grabbed the cookies and kept walking towards the door I stopped what I was doing and went around the counter to chase after him. Screw the store don't-chase-thieves policy. He had jogged halfway across the parking lot when I got out there, but as soon as I got him in my sights I ran full sprint at him. I guess he knew he couldn't run fast with so much stuff in his arms, so he just sort of stood there like a deer in headlights saying "What are you gonna do about it?" I got to him and started grabbing the goods right out of his arms which opened them a bit, and some of it fell onto the concrete. He was still saying that same line, so when I grabbed a sub that was under his arm (the packaging broke because he squeezed it tight) I backhanded him across the face with it. I shoved him hard in the chest and told him to get the fuck out of here and, again, he said "What are you gonna do?" (he was either drunk or just dumb, hard to tell) and took a step forward like he was trying to be menacing. The adrenaline was pumping, so I just shoved him again away from the stuff on the ground and he sort of feebly thumped my back, and this time I had no sub in my hand so I just punched him in the face, and that made him back off. I went to start picking up some of it when I saw him walk towards a bag of doritos that ended up farther away, so I changed course and yanked that out of his hands. His grip was too tight and the bag exploded, and the whole thing emptied into the parking lot. In that little exchange his phone/tablet fell out of his hoodie pocket and ended up face down on the pavement. I picked it up and saw that the screen had cracked (justice!) and shoved it into his hands and told the retard to fuck off again, and this time he actually started walking away while I went back to pick shit up. He said "I'll come back here and shoot you," to which I replied "Buuuullshit!" because I knew it was just bluster. Besides, my shift was over and I was about to go home. I gathered up the stuff while my coworker stood at the store entrance keeping an eye out while the guy crossed the street, and brought everything inside and wrote a quick note about the event in the communications book before managing to catch a bus home.
So yeah, a sub and a bag of chips were totally damaged, but I managed to recover another bag of chips, a bag of Cheezies, three bags of jerky, a second sub, and the box of cookies. All in all that was probably around $40-50 worth of stuff I prevented from being stolen, so I feel pretty pleased about it. Now I just wait to find out if the boss is happy I recovered the goods, or peeved about me chasing a thief for the umpteenth time. Usually she's pretty good about it, though, since I get results. Even though I've chased thieves several times and been told I shouldn't do that, I've yet to actually be written up for it. Considering there was one time she actually sent me after someone, I'm pretty sure that she approves.