A completely honest questionnaire to myself:
I've felt very... lost? I guess lost lately. So, instead of asking myself the usual "who am I" question I thought maybe I'd be disgustingly honest with myself and I found a few questions to get me started. So, here we go.
1.) What worries me most about the future?
- I'm terrified of being stationary. I don't ever want to be in a position where I don't feel like I'm making constant progress. I still crave consistency and predictability though so that's where things get tough.
2.) What am I really, really scared of?
- I'm scared of heat lightning. And that bad guy. And that jumpy thing you do before you fall asleep. All of those things will make my blood cold and my breathing stop.
3.) Have I done anything lately worth remembering?
- I touched a deceased frogspawn anemone today. They're supposed to be goodluck. I think that's something I will remember. (also the boys let me have it. They are so good to me. <3)
4.) Have I made someone smile today?
- Always, always, always. Everyday for the rest of my life. Always.
5.) What have I given up on?
- I gave up on teaching. On ever being in a play/musical. On going to a big university anytime soon. On so, so many people who were worth my time.
6.) What small act of kindness was I once shown that I will never forget?
- I remember touches. Any kind of empathetic touch. A slight shoulder rub, a long hug, anything physical that was meant to be soothing. I live for that.
7.) Is it more important to love or be loved?
- To love. Because I know how much I need to be loved, but I'll never really understand how much they need it.
8.) Am I honest with myself?
- Oh god no. Not right now at least. I don't know why though. I'm working on it.
9.) Am I afraid of the process or the result?
- The process. I thrive in my comfort zone. I get so caught up in thinking about the "what if" of everything that it completely takes me away from thinking about things rationally.
10.) Do I minimize problems in order to avoid them?
- I should have that tattooed on my forehead. Always.
11.) Am I setting boundaries and comfortable saying no?
- It really depends. Boundaries are easier than no for me. I'm being honest. Saying no is one of the hardest things for me. I always assume there will be a backlash and that just petrifies me.
12.) Am I more concerned with how my life “looks” or how it “feels”?
- I think that depends on who I am that day. I've worked so hard to impress people, to be as interesting as possible. Being boring was something I always feared. But none of that means anything if my life "feels" wrong, ya know? I need to feel good.
Well. It's a start.
<3 <3 <3